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9 Things I’m Boycotting For St. Patrick’s Day

by Nate St. Pierre on March 17, 2014

1. Every bar in Boston, for not pre-boycotting Sam Adams beer for not boycotting the St. Patrick’s Day parade for boycotting the LGBT group that was trying to make a sexual/political statement, thus leading to an actual boycott by Sam Adams of the parade, and thus prompting a similar boycott by Guinness of the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade for the same reason.

2. My workplace, for denying my request to decorate my cubicle with pictures of naked women. They told me it wasn’t an appropriate venue, which is a clear violation of my rights to demonstrate my sexuality anywhere and in any way I please. I’m going to rally my co-workers and drive them out of business.

3. My church, for refusing to source their Holy Communion wafers from local, organic, non-GMO, free-trade wafer trees. I may organize a protest next Sunday as well. #PunishTheZealots

4. My softball team, for taking a jersey sponsorship from Ray’s Cocktail Lounge, when I know for a fact that Ray himself voted “Yes” last year on a measure to install metered parking on the street outside his bar, thus costing me $1.25 every other Thursday, OR making me walk an extra block. Insensitive assholes. Boom, boycotted!

5. Your mom.

6. My mom, for reminding me that it’s my brother’s birthday this week. Doesn’t she know I haven’t spoken to him since he invited me to the baseball game that ended up being rained out, and ruined my whole afternoon? Done with them both.

7. My roommate Matt, for asking me to call my dog off from humping his leg. That kind of behavior just screams canine sexual intolerance, and I won’t stand for it.

8. My university, for not allowing me to bring my roommate-humping dog with me to class to protect him from Matt’s intolerance. Canine bigots all around, now boycotting everyone everywhere.

9. Myself, for wasting my own time writing this post in the first place.

(Image source: Brave New Films)

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