1. They think they know everything.
List posts are like that kid in class who has his hand raised for every question, right? Straining forward over the desk, one arm fully outstretched, fingers wiggling, the other hand wrapped around his elbow, holding the whole thing together in a precarious balancing act, squeaking a high-pitched “oohmemememeoohooh!!” continuously. Don’t be that kid.
2. You’ll never get that piece of your soul back.
List posts lure you with the social media siren song of massive traffic, fame and fortune. But you know you’re selling out. Do yourself a favor and quit while you’re ahead.
3. Cracked already did it better than you.
I can’t even begin to tell you how many ways Cracked has already beaten you in this department. Visit that site and tell me if you don’t click on at least three articles.
Not write list posts.
5. The three W’s: Why? Why? Why?
If you ask yourself this three times, you’ll come up with only one answer. Like Will Hunting said, “Don’t do that.”
6. List posts have no sense of decorum.
No matter how bush league a list post is, it’s always carrying on like it’s a rock star, tossing furniture out of hotel rooms, asking people “Don’t you know who I am?” Disgraceful.
7. I want them all to myself.
There, I said it. You happy now? Seriously.
8. They will let you down.
List posts are like a doorknob – everybody gets a turn. You think it’s opening the door to a fabulous new world of riches and beauty, but really it’s just a closet. Ultimately you will be disappointed. But what did you expect? It’s just a doorknob.
9. Just because.
10. They’re starved for attention.
You can tell that list posts never got much love as a kid. Now they try to make up for it by selling their body all over the place. It’s sad, really.
11. They don’t understand sarcasm.
They just don’t. Sigh.
12. Lists of lists monstrosities.
Our lust for lists has bastardized the medium enough to create a niche for places like Listverse to exist – a website serving articles like “10 Tragic Prison and Asylum Fires” – and making a killing doing it. A killing, I say! *rolls eyes*
13. Your mom.
14. They can’t defend themselves.
When list posts are attacked (which is often), they just throw their hands up in the air and scream. Sometimes they try to cover their head and face, but honestly, most of them can’t even do that. They are frail, wispy beings, and their content is picked clean over and over for use in other just-as-bad list posts.
15. I will come after you.
Not even kidding. That’s me in the picture above. I’m a mean SOB. Grr.
16. They attract haters.
Like flies to garbage, haters will swarm upon your list post. When you put it out there it’s like a K-Mart Blue Light Special screaming for every bored shopper with nothing better to do than to get on his computer and tell you why #7 should really be #9, and “how could you have missed this thing that’s even better than everything on your list put together?”
17. I don’t want to have to tell you again.
This is pretty much what it comes down to. I have enough work to do today.
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