I’ve Built a New Platform to Measure Your Online Influence

by Nate St. Pierre on October 26, 2011

Today we here at Nate Industries have decided to do you all a big favor, and build a web-based platform that will measure your online influence. With our new system, everyone will know exactly where they stand in the giant schoolyard that is the social media-driven portion of the web. Will you be one of the cool kids? You have to sign up to see….

Oh wait, actually you don’t even have to sign up. Just connect with your twitter handle once to see what happens, and then you’re automatically signed up and have a profile on the system, whether you want one or not. And don’t try to get it removed, either, because we don’t do that. Well . . . actually sometimes maybe we can, but you’re still referenced by other users and the existing version of your account still sits on the lists they’ve created, so good luck with all that.

But since you can’t get rid of it, don’t you want to at least make it the best it can be? All you have to do is connect all your social media accounts to the system. Well, at least all the ones we support, because those are the only ones that matter. We’ll look at everything you do and everyone you talk to and figure out if you’re popular influential or not.

We can even give you a number! For instance, your number is 56. Isn’t that nice? We have a lot more, too. 100, in fact. From time to time we’ll give you a different number, usually when our investors are telling us we need to make more money. We figure the best way to do that is to get more people talking about us, so we look more attractive to other bigger investors, or possibly a really big company that may someday want to buy us for a lot of money based on the value generated by the bigger investors and the smaller investors and the social media buzz and the software behind the system, which is worth around $11,280. But we don’t actually need to make any money once we have the $300 million valuation. All we have to do is keep people talking.

But I digress. Let me tell you more about what you get when you sign up for the new system. We’ll tell you the topics that you’re influential in, and then send you near-worthless offers surrounding those topics! For instance, if you don’t own a TV and never even talk about television shows, we’ll say you’re influential in Monday night dramas, and WE’LL SEND YOU A LINK TO WATCH A MEDIOCRE MONDAY NIGHT SHOW ON SUNDAY NIGHT, AFULLDAYBEFOREITAIRSONREGULARTVWHERENOONEWILLWATCHITANYWAYOMGOMGOMGOMGLOLOLOLOLOMG!!!!!11

Also if you hate the Lakers, and especially Kobe Bryant, we’ll send you an offer for a free (unsigned) Kobe Bryant poster. Where else will you get a deal like that? Just one of the many perks of our new platform.

Now that you’ve been sucked in by all our fabulous offers, you can religiously watch the number we gave you (56, remember), and try to get it to move up. Piss off those around you by only talking to them when you think it’ll move your number up. Write blog posts talking about specific things to influence (see what we did there?) your number. Tweet and retweet little pieces of content that will make you more credible in the niche we’ve assigned to you.

We hope you’ll get so into our system that you check your score multiple times a day and loudly complain on your social media platforms when we randomly drop it a quarter of a point. After all, every time you complain about us, it generates more buzz and makes us more valuable for that eventual buyout.

Oh, and p.s. – make sure you invite all your friends so that when you talk to them it influences your score. Otherwise what’s the point, right?

So there you have it, folks – we’ve given you everything you need to be a rockstar in the social media realm, and get that vaunted community manager position you’ve always wanted. Once they see that big 56 54 37 on your profile page, they have to hire you. Are you pumped? We are!

Wait, what? You don’t want to sign up? It’s a stupid platform? It’s a waste of your time? It’s not even worth talking about?

Hmm…

(Image source: Phil Manker)

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